Saturday, November 15, 2008

slinking back with my tail between my legs......

That's how it feels whenever I click over to this poor, dusty, abandoned blog.

Then I sit here with my fingers poised over the keys thinking "Hmmmm....where to start. This is ridiculous. Why do I bother?"

Maybe I feel about this blog as I do about writing long cheerful letters to accompany my Christmas cards. Like the letter is stupid, not completely truthful, and not something I don't want to do.

My extended family doesn't read this blog. They never have. Because I'm too private and they don't know that the blog even exists. So really, what's the point?

I don't know what exactly has transpired in the last several months to make it so that I don't want to share things in this venue- good or bad....but I just don't. And everything is really okay! Kids are fine, Big Al is fine, I'm okay - just waiting for my first appointment coming up on 12/9....having to sort of start over, but still on the right track for my surgery. Things are okay!

And for some reason....I have such an aversion to writing on this thing. I don't like it anymore. And that's sort of sad....if I go back through my archives, there's lots of stuff here! Lots of good memories. But I just get an "ick" feeling about it now....and I truly don't know why. So........ I'm out. I'm not going to delete the blog or anything....and who knows....maybe at some point I'll feel like writing on it again....but for now it feels like just another project that I have completely flaked on - and that doesn't feel good. Plus, it doesn't feel like it's for feels like it's a performance of sorts....

For a blog to be useful and therapeutic for me, it would have to be under a false name, without any pictures, and it would be just for me to vent in. Not a bad idea really!

Anyway, drop me a note or find me on Facebook! Facebook is mindless and easy...and sometimes I post pictures of my darling little monsters.

Friday, October 17, 2008

And yet another update!

So as it turns out, I can go to a surgeon who WON'T make me pay $6K upfront!! How about that! My insurance will cover everything, but the surgeon who I choose initially, wanted a big 'ol chunk of "fun money" for five years of "after care." Well, I got to thinking....and calling around....and checking with my insurance.....and that's sort of BS.

Um - What if I move? What if he retires? The bottom line is, I have great insurance and if anything happens to me or I have complications at any time - I can go to a medical facility, be treated, and not have to worry about it.

Right now, I'm trying to obtain copies of all the tests I've already completed for the first surgeon so that I can give them to the new surgeon. Hopefully, I won't have to start all over! At this point though, it's looking like it might be January - which honestly, is a great time to make a fresh start.

And I wouldn't mind having a frosted cookie or two with my kids just one more time this Christmas!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

WLS - An update

WLS - Weight Loss Surgery.

Look at me! Learning the lingo.

So I had my first appointment with the surgeon last week. It went very well! The good thing about choosing a practice that is about 99% bariatric-related, is that things are run like a well oiled machine. Talk about efficient! I'll more than likely be able to get the surgery done well before the holidays. And if that isn't reason enough to get out of making the damn turkey this year - I don't know what is.

Before walking in, I had already done lots of research and decided that I wanted to go with the Roux en Y gastric bypass surgery. There are a few different options, but this one seems like a good balance of great results and treatable/avoidable risks. Dr. Cirangle was in agreement. We discussed my various (and MANY) attempts at weight loss. My very first Weight Watchers meeting at the ripe old age of 10. He was absolutely sure that there wouldn't be any problem with my insurance. Luckily, Blue Cross is *awesome* about approving this particular surgery. We talked about this surgery being a tool, not a miracle. It's a great tool - a very effective tool, but there are lots of rules. Following the rules, will lead to great results and good health. Slacking off on the rules will lead to temporary results, and bad health. I'm committed to following the rules.

Since my appointment I've already had my phone consultation with the in-office dietitian (check!), made an appointment with my regular doctor for a current routine physical, scheduled an appointment for a phone consultation with the in-office psychologist, and plan on getting a few of the tests done on Monday while the big boys are in school. I have to have a chest x-ray, and upper GI series, and.....something else. Dr. Cirangle gave me prescriptions for each one. All I have to do is walk them into the hospital and have them done, and they'll fax the results to his office. See? Well oiled, I tell ya'. Before my paperwork can be submitted to the insurance for approval, I have to have the consult with the dietitian (done!) and also the consult with the psychologist which will happen this next week.

During my appointment last week, the doctor mentioned that it might be a good idea to go to a few WLS support groups during this whole process. I couldn't agree more. I've done a lot of reading on blogs, message boards, etc. and it's the first few months that are the worst. It's a rough recovery - mentally and physically. And there's always the chance that those around me might have little moments of crazy during my transformation.

For some people in my may be hard to watch me shrink. I've always been heavy. It's always been my flaw. There have been many different levels of heavy - acceptable heavy....still very pretty heavy.....and I CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE heavy. There are lots of things I like about myself, and am proud of....but my body isn't one of them. Aside from it's ability to make cute and healthy babies (albeit only boys), I've always hated my body. The exception being the few years during my early twenties where I dedicated myself entirely to ME and became a total fitness guru. Crazy, right? I became a certified aerobics instructor, I taught swimming lessons and life guarded at the Y, the whole nine yards. Anyway, I was cute...but man...did I have to work crazy hard for it. We're talking 2-3 hours in the gym PER DAY. No meat. No fat whatsoever. No sugar ever. No soda. No caffeine. No eating after 7pm. Water. Veggies. Tofu. That is all. I was okay with it at the time - I was in the zone. I have three kids and a husband now. I can't devote that kind of time. An hour of exercise 4-5 times per week? Sure. I will commit to making that happen. But not 2-3 hours, 6 times per week. Who would fold all the laundry?

So that's where I am. I'll keep you posted.

Ok, now I feel bad about the "only boys" comment I made earlier.........

N, R, and J? I adore you. You know that. I wouldn't trade you for a hundred girls. Really! I wouldn't. You cute little monsters.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

1st grade, 1st birthday, 1st soccer team

Here's my biggest boy on his first day of school. What a trooper. I'm so glad he's liking it, and I love that the desks are in clusters rather than single file. Yay for crunchiness!
The baby had a high fever and (what turned out to be) Roseola on his birthday. Poor guy! We had a very low key family party for him, but he was pretty out of it.

Don't you love it when you get out of your bath to find lots of gifts waiting for you? And by the way - I did NOT buy that tank under the coffee table. R. loved it. So *someone* bought it for him. It wasn't me. That thing gives me the creeps.
It was the kind of virus that could only be comforted by Baby Einstein. And Daddy's chair. Look at him. Adorable even when he isn't feeling well. I could just eat him up. Sometimes his cheeks smell like kisses. He gets about ten million of them per day.

This is R.'s first year playing soccer. He really likes it. As it turns out (surprise, surprise) he's really competitive. He doesn't seem to get the concept of TEAM SPORT. It's him against EVERYONE ELSE.

This will be an interesting season!

Monday, September 1, 2008


You know - I've been struggling with what to do with this blog. It's become something that I think about every day with an "Ugh - I guess I should do that" attitude. Not good! I think it's because I feel like if I'm not going to be totally honest on this thing - I shouldn't bother at all. I don't want this to be a rainbows and sunshine only type of blog. Those kinds of blogs make me want to gag. I'm all about honestly - but am also sort of a private sometimes I struggle with what to write.

Oh well, here goes.

It's been a hard little sister has cervical cancer......she's having surgery in 6 weeks (they have to wait that long so that she can heal from the cone biopsy they did recently). After they're done, she'll have about a 60% chance of carrying a baby someday. The thought of not being able to have her own baby is heartbreaking for her. For all of us. Oddly, the whole situation has brought my sister and I closer....I really love her and would take some of this off of her shoulders if I could.

N. is doing well in first grade. He's at our local public school. He did better with the whole changing of schools thing than I did. It killed me to pull him out of his wonderful private Christian school. I still feel a lot of shame about it. The fact that he was one of 8 kids from kindergarten who were pulled out over the summer did make me feel a little this economy - extra's like private school are the first things to go. We realized that paying for one child in private school is one thing - three is quite another. Luckily, he knows lots of kids at his school from soccer, tball, and his preschool. He got into a class with only 20 kids and his teacher is known for being great - I'm okay and so is he. He's a good boy, that one. He's gianormous. Seriously - he's such a big boy. It's astounding. He just started soccer and loves it - he's an awesome goal keep. We tried to get him into Pop warner football since that's what he really wanted to do - but he was too big for his age group, and too young for the next weight range, so he has to wait for next year. You should see that kid throw a football....I hate to put him into that: he's-big-he's-going-to-play-football box, but he's really good! He's lost a total of 8 teeth, and has the look of a 3rd grader....big 'ol awkward teeth! Every time he smiles I see dollar signs! Thankfully, our insurance pays a good chunk for orthodontics, because he's definitely going to need braces.

R. What can I say? His behavior has been awful. He has a good heart, but man.....he's a tough one. I could have TWELVE more kids and I feel absolutely confident that he would still be my hardest one. That kids spends half his life in time out. I would call Supernanny if it didn't require me to be on TV. When he's good - he's very, very good. When he's bad - lookout. I take solice in the fact that he's gentle and kind to small children and animals. That means he won't become a serial killer - right? I kid. He's stubborn, and isn't scared of anything or anyone. That's a tough combo when you're trying to discipline, you know? He pushes the envelope to the very's hard. I've noticed that since N. has gone back to school, he's a little better. Almost like he's craving my undivided attention. As much as he loves Bub, I think he's still mourning not being the loved on, kissed on, worshipped little baby of the family anymore. I love him though - he's hysterical and clever. Definitely the "class clown" of our family. He's playing soccer this year, and is very excited to be on his very own team. Finally, he isn't on the sidelines watching his brother!

Bub is a wonderful baby. He turned one on the 26th and celebrated as much as he could given he was on day three of a high fever. It turned out to be Roseola. Poor guy was a mess for about a week. Would barely eat, was VERY fussy, and just generally unhappy. He's much better now, and is back to his old happy self. He's walking for little stretches here and there - about twenty steps at a time. He's following in his brother's footsteps who were walkers by thirteen months. He weighs 26 pounds and is very, very tall. We adore him....he's the sweetest baby. He has beautiful soulful (green!) eyes and undeniably red hair. He's such a hugger. He puts his arms around our necks and hugs us tight. I love it - I don't remember the other boys doing that as babies.

I probably shouldn't announce this yet, since the process hasn't even started yet - but I'm feeling "bare all " right now, so I'll do it anyway. I'm going to pursue gastric bypass surgery. I've freakin' had it. I've been battling my weight since I was 8 years old. It isn't ever going to be "fixed" in any other way. When I really bust my ass, I can lose 30 pounds. And then I slowly gain it back. 30 pounds is a drop in the bucket for me. I need to lose about 100. I'm done. I've had it. I'm not scared of the surgery - I'm scared of NOT having the surgery. Genetics is something that I can't battle anymore. I will always be overweight without this surgery. I'm too pretty to be this fat. Lol. My first appointment is couple of weeks. I'm excited. My insurance generally covers it, but I have to go through a battery of tests first. We would never be able to pay for the surgery out of pocket, so I'm praying that they'll cover it. The surgeon is confident that they will. I'm SOOO ready. I know that this is a controversial thing, but honestly - I'm totally not into hearing anything negative about the surgery. Especially from thin people who don't know how terrible it is to be overweight! I've done my homework. I've found an excellent, highly recommended surgeon. The danger for me is in NOT having the surgery. So if you don't have anything nice to say - please don't say anything at all! I didn't mean for that to sound I'm sorry if it did.

I think I'm going to post a bunch of kid pictures later.

I guess the blog drought is over for now!