Monday, September 1, 2008

naked

You know - I've been struggling with what to do with this blog. It's become something that I think about every day with an "Ugh - I guess I should do that" attitude. Not good! I think it's because I feel like if I'm not going to be totally honest on this thing - I shouldn't bother at all. I don't want this to be a rainbows and sunshine only type of blog. Those kinds of blogs make me want to gag. I'm all about honestly - but am also sort of a private person...so sometimes I struggle with what to write.

Oh well, here goes.

It's been a hard summer.....my little sister has cervical cancer......she's having surgery in 6 weeks (they have to wait that long so that she can heal from the cone biopsy they did recently). After they're done, she'll have about a 60% chance of carrying a baby someday. The thought of not being able to have her own baby is heartbreaking for her. For all of us. Oddly, the whole situation has brought my sister and I closer....I really love her and would take some of this off of her shoulders if I could.

N. is doing well in first grade. He's at our local public school. He did better with the whole changing of schools thing than I did. It killed me to pull him out of his wonderful private Christian school. I still feel a lot of shame about it. The fact that he was one of 8 kids from kindergarten who were pulled out over the summer did make me feel a little better....in this economy - extra's like private school are the first things to go. We realized that paying for one child in private school is one thing - three is quite another. Luckily, he knows lots of kids at his school from soccer, tball, and his preschool. He got into a class with only 20 kids and his teacher is known for being great - I'm okay and so is he. He's a good boy, that one. He's gianormous. Seriously - he's such a big boy. It's astounding. He just started soccer and loves it - he's an awesome goal keep. We tried to get him into Pop warner football since that's what he really wanted to do - but he was too big for his age group, and too young for the next weight range, so he has to wait for next year. You should see that kid throw a football....I hate to put him into that: he's-big-he's-going-to-play-football box, but he's really good! He's lost a total of 8 teeth, and has the look of a 3rd grader....big 'ol awkward teeth! Every time he smiles I see dollar signs! Thankfully, our insurance pays a good chunk for orthodontics, because he's definitely going to need braces.

R. What can I say? His behavior has been awful. He has a good heart, but man.....he's a tough one. I could have TWELVE more kids and I feel absolutely confident that he would still be my hardest one. That kids spends half his life in time out. I would call Supernanny if it didn't require me to be on TV. When he's good - he's very, very good. When he's bad - lookout. I take solice in the fact that he's gentle and kind to small children and animals. That means he won't become a serial killer - right? I kid. He's stubborn, and isn't scared of anything or anyone. That's a tough combo when you're trying to discipline, you know? He pushes the envelope to the very edge.....it's hard. I've noticed that since N. has gone back to school, he's a little better. Almost like he's craving my undivided attention. As much as he loves Bub, I think he's still mourning not being the loved on, kissed on, worshipped little baby of the family anymore. I love him though - he's hysterical and clever. Definitely the "class clown" of our family. He's playing soccer this year, and is very excited to be on his very own team. Finally, he isn't on the sidelines watching his brother!

Bub is a wonderful baby. He turned one on the 26th and celebrated as much as he could given he was on day three of a high fever. It turned out to be Roseola. Poor guy was a mess for about a week. Would barely eat, was VERY fussy, and just generally unhappy. He's much better now, and is back to his old happy self. He's walking for little stretches here and there - about twenty steps at a time. He's following in his brother's footsteps who were walkers by thirteen months. He weighs 26 pounds and is very, very tall. We adore him....he's the sweetest baby. He has beautiful soulful (green!) eyes and undeniably red hair. He's such a hugger. He puts his arms around our necks and hugs us tight. I love it - I don't remember the other boys doing that as babies.

I probably shouldn't announce this yet, since the process hasn't even started yet - but I'm feeling "bare all " right now, so I'll do it anyway. I'm going to pursue gastric bypass surgery. I've freakin' had it. I've been battling my weight since I was 8 years old. It isn't ever going to be "fixed" in any other way. When I really bust my ass, I can lose 30 pounds. And then I slowly gain it back. 30 pounds is a drop in the bucket for me. I need to lose about 100. I'm done. I've had it. I'm not scared of the surgery - I'm scared of NOT having the surgery. Genetics is something that I can't battle anymore. I will always be overweight without this surgery. I'm too pretty to be this fat. Lol. My first appointment is couple of weeks. I'm excited. My insurance generally covers it, but I have to go through a battery of tests first. We would never be able to pay for the surgery out of pocket, so I'm praying that they'll cover it. The surgeon is confident that they will. I'm SOOO ready. I know that this is a controversial thing, but honestly - I'm totally not into hearing anything negative about the surgery. Especially from thin people who don't know how terrible it is to be overweight! I've done my homework. I've found an excellent, highly recommended surgeon. The danger for me is in NOT having the surgery. So if you don't have anything nice to say - please don't say anything at all! I didn't mean for that to sound bitchy....so I'm sorry if it did.

I think I'm going to post a bunch of kid pictures later.

I guess the blog drought is over for now!

3 comments:

Jodie said...

Good for you...for just laying it all out on the table. I know you have been going through so much lately. As for the surgery, just do your homework. My aunt had it, so if you need to talk to someone that did it, let me know. ((hug))

they call me mama said...

Good for you! It's much less risky since they started doing the procedure endoscopicly. I don't know about the safety combo of new gastric bypass, when the weight loss is so rapid, and pregnancy though (if you are planning on having a 4th) but I'm sure you'll discuss all that with the doc. Congrats on the decision ;)

Marci-Beth Maple said...

i love your insight into your kids...i love reading other mother's "takes" on their little people, especially when people dispense with some of the hearts and flowers. also, i have a friend who had gastric bypass--you'd love her, and if you want someone to talk to who has had it she'd be great. Local too. all right then, queen bee...see you soon.